To get us ready to discuss this, let’s start out with a scene from a popular late 80s film “When Harry Met Sally” that first took the question can men and women ever just be friends mainstream.
Often the media and society portray that men and women
cannot just be friends. There’s always something else at work behind a
relationship. On the surface this appears to be an easy, no-brainer question
that is basically asking us whether we can get along and associate with members
of the opposite sex. It gets deeper though when you think about how men and
women are wired, and how society and even culture influence their
relationships. Whether the relationship
is based on sexual attraction, tension, a feeling of wanting more, or perhaps
the need for attention; to say that men and women can have a relationship exist
solely, absolutely and forever based on friendship is quite a statement. The
sex part, as Harry mentions in the film, always seems to get in the way. It is
the thing that always creates tension in a relationship. Yet, a male and a
female can still be friends without the sex part or the attraction variable,
right?
We asked at least 10 girls and 10
guys (actual number was over 20 interviewees) the question. We made it clear
that we were talking strictly about heterosexual male and female relationships.
It turned out that the responses were not so different despite receiving them
from many different people. The overwhelming majority of interviewees answered “yes”
that men and women can just be friends. However, there was always a subtle “but”
or hypothetical situation that existed where they were hesitant to give a firm
and absolute yes. It “can only work if the relationship is platonic, “a male said, citing the absence of romance was the only possible scenario. Or many
cited from experience, saying things such as “I have a lot of guy friends now
that I am not attracted to”. Similarly, guys said, “I have a lot of friends who
are girls that I am not attracted to”. This has to make you think - is it all
about attraction? Isn't it sort of written in our code to seek out people that
are similar to us, or people we perceive to be attractive, whether they are
physically or socially attractive?
There was one male (the only respondent who answered “no”) we
interviewed that firmly stated that men and women cannot just be friends
because they are biologically different. He noted that the sex difference is
too strong and that we are not meant to be friends. I wouldn't go as far as to
say something like that, yet I can see where he is coming from. I can see a
situation developing where attraction or similar feelings might exist, but as a
female interviewee claims: “both genders are capable of not acting on their
feelings and maintaining that friendship role or boundary”.
This brings me to my next point: maybe it’s all
psychological? If certain people have the mindset that they can’t just be
friends with members of the opposite sex than it’s not possible. Contrarily if
you truly believe that you can just be friends with the opposite sex than it
can work. However, the responses we received showed little indication that this
is a reality. When asked if they treated
both male and female friends the same, everyone noted that they treated their
friends differently based on their sex and gender. The key difference here was the length of the relationship.
Women indicated that they date guys they just recently met and there may be
attraction or sexual tension present. However, the longer this relationship
goes, it is more likely that the guy will fall into the “strictly friends
category”. The major reasoning one female cited for this was the pressure or
perceptions that people outside of the relationship show. A relationship can be
misunderstood and appear different from an outsider’s perspective.
What can we gather from the semi-sure, yes, responses? Most people believe that men and women can
just be friends. Unfortunately it just not that simple. After the initial answer of “yes,” there’s more to the question than what you feel or
what you've experienced at the moment. Then people start to think about other
factors that include: attraction, sexual tension, motivation, personality, etc.
A male and female can just be friends if the relationship is
built and sustained from personality reasons. However personality can lead to
other things. Mostly for heterosexual relationships that begin as just friends,
there still always exists the potential for romance and that is why it is very
difficult to say with an absolute “yes” affirmation that men and woman can be just friends.
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